Monday, December 20, 2010

working through it: a purging.

All this week I was in a really dark place. That mood got set off by an innocent conversation with a friend on wednesday and just kind of hung out, just below the surface, until Friday night. It made a little cameo on saturday afternoon when I went to a craft show.

I knew she was going to be there and if I cared about my well being I probably shouldn't have gone at all but, I'm not going to let her presence stop me from going anywhere even if it is a little uncomfortable. I needed to finish shopping for Christmas (done) and wanted to visit with the 5 other people I knew that were selling there. So that's that.

I didn't attempt to speak with her and she did her best to run away when I was on her side of the room. Which is why I could keep that darkness at bay.

There is no need for me to speak to her now, except to ask if she kept some of the blocks I asked for back. I think she did but, really just fuck it. She can think of me every time she uses them.

If you have read previous entries on here you'll know that I've been working on marrying the actual me with the bold face I present to the world and I think that was the impetus for all this mood this week.

-been sharing at meetings more
-had almost no down time
-have been sabotaged by weather and car tires while trying to get moved in
-started cognitive behavioral therapy with a therapist (duh)
-have been more vulnerable (still hate it)
-still have no job

If you put all that stuff together it makes for a little bit of instability. After the cluster-fuck of a relationship I just went through, I'm just pretty raw.

I still feel used by her, betrayed. Every time I think I've come to peace about one aspect or another of that relationship, something else creeps in and starts the bad vibes all over again.

I don't want her back but I'm not over her. In an attempt to purge some of the vitriol that I'm carrying around now, here are the things that I feel/think about her/our relationship at this point.

-She loved the IDEA of loving me. I don't think she was in love with me. As a women who is very visual, she never took a single picture of me. I don't know what I was, but it doesn't feel like love. I'm not even sure she knows what love is.

-I don't think she ever really liked me, again she liked an idea of me. She yelled/got upset at me several times about yelling out and saying hello to people, it made her uncomfortable. About this, all I can say is, when you meet your fiancee by him yelling at you to punch his best friend, you should probably realize he's a loud dude.  

-On the day she called off the wedding and I was pouring my heart out she said "this all sounds familiar" and I watched her get cold. I feel like some part of her is very sick and took some kind of pleasure from the explosion. Enjoyed the back and forth shit she pulled with me afterward. All of her habitual honeymoon relationships point to some shit inside her. Like I said, I think she's really sick and needs help. This would be a good start.

-She wouldn't breakup with me. She just refused to, just kept shutting down and not communicating, knowing full well that it would drive me nuts. So I did it and she promptly threw it in my face less then a day later.

-The only time I think she was ever 100% herself with me was when we were on the phone and she was in WI. She called herself a fraud, said she wasn't a printer, said she felt unimportant there. I tried to be supportive and encouraging and she just reverted back to cold bitch again.

But the thing that may have hurt me most happened on the day before she was leaving for Wisconsin, November 5th.

I bought all of these printer blocks and type drawers for her. I had been planning to do this for weeks and then things got messy so I held off. We had several great days of reconciliation and she was going to see Louis CK that night. She had also made a big deal about me spending the night earlier in the week, so I figured, this last time I gave her printers blocks she brought up marrying me. Just thought it would be fitting and I was incredibly wrong.

All that day I was emailing and calling people to get this ready. She was sending me super sweet texts all day too, it was nice. she went to the show and I started running around. Digging through boxes of blocks and finally just buying them all after a bit of haggling. I texted her around 8 to see if she wanted anything to eat and to see when she'd be home. Yes to food and around 11.

I get home (it was then) and start setting up. She had left her computer open on the dining room table and...break for full disclosure  

(So her main problem with me was that I was jealous and would get super angry. I said I would work on changing that and if she wanted to be around I'd love it. She said she would like to be around and that's how we get where we are in the story.

Earlier in the week she showed me a thing she wrote on her livejournal about how in love with me she was. It made me feel really good.)

resume I decide to see if she wrote anything about me. I was walking around on a pink cloud and figured a little more couldn't hurt. I mean it was open in her browser, so I read it.

She starts out with how awesome I was to her all week, about how I'm surprising her, about how I took care of her when she was sick the day before. Then she says she just wants to quit, misses quitting things. Then she says that she planned to fuck some dude in Wisconsin if things were still going bad. Was still thinking about doing it anyway.

I threw up. I called my sponsor. I went along like I never read that. Mind though, this was one of the dudes I got jealous about.

I let it go, this was her venting to her internet friends. I made the choice to trust her.

I set up her dinner and laid out candles and smaller pieces of type throughout the apartment leading to the whole mess of stuff I had acquired for her.

I put a little note on the door that said something like "follow the candles and don;t forget to pick things up along the way" with an arrow.

I wrote a letter about us growing together, about new starts, about me learning from her and us being able to create together. Really good, honest stuff. Things I have a hard time articulating when it matters (I'd like that letter back, frankly)

I go hop in bed and start reading while waiting.

She texts me to tell me she's going out for drinks. I'm like okay but we need to get up early. Plus I want her to get her present.

She get's home at 11:30 and maybe she's a bit tipsy. She doesen't see the note on the door. I say hi from the bedroom and she asks why there are candles everywhere.
I say did you see the note.
She goes no and I go and get it for her.
She reads it and says "I don't get it" so I show her. I walk her through the apartment and she's just being a dick. She's not even picking up the blocks, she just doesn't care.

When we get to her studio, the only thing she says is "why are there candles in my studio" Nothing could have hurt me more I don't think. It was like a knife. This point, more then any other, let me know we were probably done.

Needless to say, she apologized and read my letter. She got colder and more distant for the rest of the night and continued into the morning witht he same cold bullshit. It hurt, fuck the details, they aren't terribly important anyway.

What was important, what lead me to take all of those blocks back, was the fact that she didn't even look at them until the 13th, over a week. Not until we were pretty well through.

I wasn't going to see anything wonderful come from them and she didn't really seem to care, so I said fuck it, I'll do something with them and so I will.

So that was a lot of the shit on my mind. I still don't know what the fuck happened between Friday day and Friday night, probably never will but, that was really the day she was done.

I've tried to be magnanimous because I actually do care about her but, not being pissed is driving me nuts. There it is, I'm pissed. I'm hoping this is the last time this shit comes up in my head. I want to move along.

I want to be more peaceful and find a women to spend time with, without having to worry about all this shit clouding my head. I got the knife out, so now maybe the wound will heal up alright.

thanks for listening,

P.S. Type, design, and printing tomorrow.

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