Type, presses, anger, recovery, forgiveness

So last night I finally met up with Aimee at the shop in Port Richmond. I had a long, cold, wet day and wasn't really excited to be there. Then I saw Will, drawers upon drawers of type,and the two presses. I've known Will for a long time, 6 or 7 years, and I had no idea he shared space with Aimee. Super awesome surprise, it helped me feel comfortable almost immediately.

And then there was the type and presses. It was great, I was going to get to learn on real machines, no more theory. There is a Vandercook #3 Proof press and a 1908 Golding Jobber that needs a belt for the motor but, is impressive none the less. Then type; type, type, type, so much freakin' type. Drawers and drawers of it in a hamilton double composition cabinet, on the floor, in loose cases, on shelves, everywhere. Just how I imagined it.

Will was working on the Vandercook when I got in, which was awesome to watch but, I was there to work, so Aimee put me on type sorting. There is tons of type (new), still in packages that needs to be sorted into cases. I imagine I'll be doing it for weeks and surprisingly, I love it.

SIDENOTE: To be honest, I didn't really understand the California Case system before yesterday but, now it makes so much sense. I could feel my hands beginning to learn the movements, it just feels right after a bit.

I also got to pull a print and learn a bit about maintenance. Slow and steady progress is just what I'm looking for. Apprenticeship, or something like it, makes so much sense to me.

I'm probably going to go back tomorrow for several hours of type sorting and that idea is so appealing. Sorting feels good to my brain, like playing Go does, Like drinking did. It feels like relief and I'm makes me contented.

So the rest of the night went sort of like this.

-Drove to West Philly to drop of our apartment keys to Babz.
-Called Shar-bear to meet me at the POPE.
-Swung by the apartment and got some shit out of my trunk.
-Spoke with a friend who, though a little drunk, was going through a bit of jealousy issues. I hope I helped.
-Sharon bailed, which is totally cool. She's working too much lately and her staying in was smart. I worry about her.
-Ran in to a few people who I do not see nearly enough and it warmed my heart. I'm going to attempt to remedy that in the coming weeks
-Sat down to do my new 4th step.

So here's the anger, I started writing my new 4th step on Tuesday to go over with my sponsor tonight. I don't know if it's right to stretch it out like this, but for me at least, it gives me a little clarity.

For those of you not familiar, the 4th step of AA states:
"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

Maybe, just reading that, you can see where a whole pile of anger, fear, and sadness can come in to play. Needless to say, after about 10 minutes I was pretty keyed up.

Right about then, a buddy of mine sat down and asked me how I was doing. I told him a bunch of things about what's been going on with me. He asked a bunch of questions about recovery, for himself, for a friend of ours, and just in general. We were joined by a few different people over the course of the night. It was good to talk about recovery. It was nice to have a normal person as a sounding board. It was good and led me to gain some more perspective.

I think I can call that buddy friend now and that's an amazing thing all on it's own.

The forgiveness part, that comes tonight. I mean it starts when you write it out and it was pushed along by me talking about it but, tonight I do 5, 6, and 7 which is real deal, heart wrenching, and relief all rolled into one. I'll put those steps up just below here, so all you normal folks know what's up.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature
of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

This is really simple but, if you are wired the way I am, asking for anything, especially humbly, feels like pulling teeth. I need to do this though. I'm tired, tired of carrying around this hate, this anger, these insecurities. I want them to go away and I can't do that on my own. I want to be a peaceful man and this is the only way I know how to do it.

A little pain in exchange for the relief of a constant, mind dulling, ache; a silencing of that inner voice, it's constant running, tainted by these little niggling fears and judgments? For respite from that, I think that a little pain is more than a fair deal.

Finally, I've come to be comfortable that no matter where I go I will run into Amanda. It's just how it is. It always seems to me that once you know someone they will appear. They are cast in to a role in the show of your life and you just have to deal with it.

I figured I'd run into her in the neighborhood I'm moving into (she lives on the other end of the block) but, she just seems to be everywhere now. I bought my space at Punk Rock Flea Market a couple of weeks ago (you all should come and buy my junk, lots of records) and now apparently she has a table as well. I also do all my christmas shopping at craft fairs every year and I know she's going to be at a bunch of those too, so I'll probably run into her.

So I know I'm going to see her and the only thing I can really do is minimize our interactions. If she wants to be civil, then great, if not, that's fine too. I just can't snipe and fight with her any longer, it hurts too much. I will hope for peace on all fronts, that's about the best I can do.

Thanks for reading all of this. I hope you got something out of it, a little entertainment at the very least.

P.S. Amanda is a wonderful craftswoman and you should check out her stuff. Here's the link to the facebook page for her work: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Mello-Press/102075826506578