Thursday, December 9, 2010

Realizations and movement

So I've had a rough couple of days. I've been kind of suicidal/homicidal since Monday. I've just been processing a mess of stuff, disappointments, realities (perceived and otherwise), and current life events, here's a partial list of what I've come up with.

- That I am incredibly insecure the minute I feel vulnerable. This is a self sabotaging behavior which ties into my anger. It forces fight or flight in me and my normal answer to that question is definitely the aggressive tack.

- There is an active disconnect between who I actually am and what I present to the world. In most of my interactions this is not terribly apparent but, in any romantic proposition the disparity becomes glaring.

- Romantic propositions make me feel vulnerable. I can not be in any sort of serious relationship right now, hopefully counseling and self assessment can ease my vulnerability over time. We'll see but, right now I'm pretty well bent up and it would be unfair to anyone to have to deal with that.

- I want to do letterpress, I want to do printing in general. This, above all else, is what I'm striving for. I want this more then I want a roof over my head. I'm finally thinking in images again instead of words, it's been a long time.

- I may not be able to do the training program on the Kalmar Nyckel. Until I get a job, I need to keep my availability open. As much as I want to print, I do actually need a roof over my head to do it, so I need to generate some income. That may mean back burner-ing the ship stuff, I'll still go down and volunteer but, the training might need to wait until summer or next winter.

- I'm still angry at amanda, I feel like she used me like a bag of dope. I didn't help things (see above) but, she has a pattern of going through men every couple of months. I think she loves the honeymoon period and gets high off the newness. Maybe it fills a hole for her, like booze used to fill for me, I don't know but, it's feels awful  I feel lied to, betrayed, and used. I'm moving past it slowly, like looking at a car crash on the highway. It will be gone soon, all that negative emotion but, the horror of the thing will stick with me for a long time.

I think that's it. My anger is just a simmer now, no real threat of boiling over, which is a good thing. I know lots of people care about me, I just have a hard time reconciling that with the stuff in my head.

Friday, and working in the shop with Aimee, can't get here fast enough.

Thanks for listening,

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