Wednesday, December 1, 2010

So I was going to write about the word cunt but,

I'm too sleepy, it's done to death, and I just read a pretty crazy article on Rape vs Cuckoldry, here's a link to the article
I don't want any color from those things interfering with my love of that sweet word.

Anyway, I thought instead, I'll post a little thing I wrote a couple of weeks ago. It was November 10th, the day before we broke up. I wrote it in a notebook she gave me, in the car after delivering brownies to Good Karma.

"Saw the first girl to take my breathe away since Amanda. I smiled at her, even though I didn't feel like it, pure reflex.

She smiled right back.

I enjoyed it and it brought back wonderful, half-dead emotions to the fore. Which led me back to sadness all over again as soon as I got to my car.

Soon I'll be able to just appreciate these things without getting maudlin, without a sense of profound loss, at least I hope so." *

So what does this tell me? I feel like it tells me two things and I was an idiot not to see them sooner.

One, That somewhere in me I was already done. The fact that I was a receptive to beauty like that and felt like I should just have enjoyed it should have been a tip off. Dan is a dope

Two, The fact this was the day BEFORE I actually broke it off should have been more then enough indicator to make me actually give up. Dan is stubborn

Dan is a dope and stubborn are two things most of the people I would call friend know about me.

I'm dopey all the time, I love sweet interactions like this. I do things like pay for rings, lay out gifts with candles and flowers, show up with food for people. This is just how I am, and for that I'm actually grateful. It's a little bit of wonderment from within that was never snuffed out in all the years I abused my soul and those of the people around me.

I'm stubborn all the time too and for that I'm not grateful one iota. I'm working on it though. I used to think I had perseverance but, that was just a lie I told myself.

Stubbornness is different from perseverance, in that one is pure contrariness and the other, noble. I'm working to swing everything over to the noble side and thought I was doing okay with that, until I wasn't any longer. That may be part of my disease, I'm not sure, it could just be me.

I was definitely out of sorts with the AA solution for a minute there, so it was probably just purely my will, as it were.

My will is part of this disease, only in so much that, when I let it run rampant, I think about a drink.

I need to remember all this, so it's good I'm putting it down.

Thanks for reading,

*almost forgot. I drove around the corner back to the coffee shop, walked inside, and told the girl she was beautiful and she made my day with her smile. she said thanks and blushed.

That felt really good too.

1 comment:

  1. To anybody reading this, you should probably read the article I linked to, just because it's super interesting. I just woke up and it's still compelling me to thought.