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Saturday, December 4, 2010

Going forward, giving thanks

I sometimes forget how fortunate I am to lead the life I have. I know so many truly amazing people that if I think about it too much, I feel like I'm dreaming.

I have a hard time accepting the fact that some of these people actually love me, want to do nice things for me. I stumble on motives, I get tripped up by my own self worth.

I'm through with that.

I'm learning to just be grateful, without my head attempting to censor everything that pours out of my heart. I'm working on peacefulness.

I'm becoming vulnerable and that is so terrifying to me. Vulnerability somehow, makes me feel LESS, just not whole, diminished. That is a pretty sick reaction and that's where I get all turned around. I resent people being nice to me and I don't know why. It's not all the time either, only when it's touching, only when I'm laid bare. I feel sick writing this.

Recently someone did something sweet for me and when I showed my true feelings, no quips, no jibes, just a genuine gratitude, they called me a softie. Now whether or not that's true, that I'm a softie, is up for debate but, I can tell you one thing, I hated her a little for it and she was being endearing. Now how can that be anything close to acceptable? How can I ever live, even remotely, near the land of normal with that kind of thing going on inside me? I still feel sick writing this.

Needless to say, I have a long road ahead of me and that's fine. I've identified all of this shit and am working to clean it up, to take out the garbage, so to speak. That's all I can do, I can't beat myself up about it. I just need to let it go and let my heart lead me. I have a lot of love inside of me, and receive a lot love in turn, it's just that the lens through which I get that love, that problem I carry on the top of my neck, is so fucking twisted up that I can't just take things at face value. I think with time, with prayer, with a lot of work, I can remove those flaws that get me so bent out of shape.

On to giving thanks.

There are so many people that need to be on here and since gratitude and vulnerability are the issues of the day, might as well get to it.

The first person that has to be on here is Amanda for so many reasons.

- She invited me in to her life. Being invited in to a life is an amazing thing. We rushed and went about the business of love in a crazy way but, that is still just mind blowing-ly powerful. It was volatile and neither one of us was terribly gentle, so it's really no surprise it blew up. That doesn't change the amount of trust she showed me. That still blows my mind

- She allowed me to see things about my heart that I didn't know existed. This is huge. I want to, one day, be a husband and be a father. I want to be peaceful. I want to rule my fear and not let it rule me. I want to love and be loved. She showed me all these things with her amazing heart. That we didn't work out, and this surprises me, does not change my desire for those things in the least. My heart is purer for having known hers.

- She awakened a desire for action in me that has been dormant for years. She and I started talking over her doing letterpress, I've always been interested in it and she did it, that's a great reason to talk to a pretty girl.

Frankly though, if we would have stayed together, I probably would have been content being a booster for her. Would have been content seeing her vision take shape without me having to take the really real risks, the potential failures, onto myself. I don't have that cushion any longer but, I still want to see a vision occur, see an idea blossom and then fruit. I have to do it now, I have to do it fearlessly, with out worry of failure or, god forbid, success.

I'd like to eventually go all the way to type design and from there, actual type production. Learning to use a pantograph in a year or two is going to be a pain in the ass but, I'll get there one foot in front of the other. Learning the minutia of this printing business is going to take time but it has pointed me in a direction and for that I'm grateful.
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I need to thank the whole MIGHTY clan (all of you, not just the housemates) and Mark Kennen specifically. Without those dudes and ladies in my life I would have been a wreck. Well, I was a wreck but they got me back to ship shape pretty quick.

They are all so supportive of me all the time. When I was a rotten drunk, they had my back, got me home safe, made sure I was alright. When I got sober and the astounding events that occurred to get me there transpired, they didn't abandon me. They offered to go to meetings with me, talked to friends and family members in recovery to see what they could do to help me, were mindful of there own drinking around me.

And with this most recent fiasco, you all, but especially Mark, were supportive, excited, accepting of her, concerned for my intentions but willing to see them through with me. Hell, Trout was going to marry us.

Then when things went south, you all didn't turn on her. You didn't start trash talking. You supported my hopefulness. This is where Mark really shinned, he was, apparently, so angry with her, so sad for me. He's who I went to with this stuff almost daily and he never said word one until it was over. You want to know why, because I was still hopeful, I was still in love, and he wanted to be there for me and keep my hope alive. That's what family does, that's what you all did for me and I don't think I can ever truly express how grateful I am. This is a start.
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Amanda Staples, Jen Manfra, Amber Ganzelli, Jenni Bender. You four women have stood by me, in one way or another, through a lot of crazy.

The two of you who are new in my life have my back like your my blood. I have cried in private at the beauty you two have shown me.

The two of you who have been traveling with me for these many long years, you are my sisters. I have cried in front of you about the beauty you have shown me. We have shared so much it boggles the mind. You have both seen me at my rock bottom worst and you still love me.

The reason have all four of you grouped together, even though you are all quite different, is you all illicit the same feelings from me. I would go to the mat for any and all of you. Thank you so much for you.

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All you folks in A.A. you are a rock. always a kind word and a smile. That's just the one's I don't know very well

As for A, B, B and my sponsor's C and D, Thank you all for being there through all this; my sobriety, my unemployment, my hopelessness, my anger, this recent thing, for taking me through hard looks at myself and harder truths. For helping me rid myself of that which diminishes me, for reminding me I'm not alone with all this garbage we have in common.

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Last but, not least, I want to thank my family and especially Mark. Thank you for making house space for me. For dealing with me being bitter. For all my resentments.

Mark, thank you for always being there, even when it's uncomfortable for you, you have never left me high and try. You are my brother by birth but, I'm quite proud that you are one of my best friends as well.

If you read all this I'm sorry. I still feel sick.

Have a great day everyone,
Love,
Dan
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2 comments:

  1. I love that you wrote this. You are an incredible man, Dan. Seriously, I for one am truly lucky for having you in my life. I am a richer person because of it. You have proven to me how loyal you are and much you care. I hope I have done the same for you. I really would do anything for you. I know you have been through a rough time lately, but it really is great to be able to look at it and still see the good you got from things. You are growing. You are vulnerable at times and I truly know how terrifying that can be. You are amazing and I hope you never lose sight of that, no matter what your mood or what your thoughts are, please know I will forever be on your side. Xo

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  2. You're my brother, Dan. Our friendship is among my most cherished. You have the rare quality of making a person feel completely unashamed to admit some of the most shameful things. You can see a person at their rock bottom worst and still love them- maybe that's part of what makes it easy to love you back. Don't be too hard on yourself- everyone is fucked up and has ugly secret thoughts that make them hate themselves. Well, I do, anyway.
    I love you. Thanks for the warm words my way.

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