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Saturday, November 27, 2010

So I should be getting married right about now and...

I feel a little awful about that.

I hope she is doing well today. I would like to see her and just have coffee and tell jokes. Just feel good.

I can't help but still feel for her. It doesn't feel good, doesn't exactly feel bad. I'm glad to be alive, I mean I haven't shut down, I"m feeling, so all in all that's progress over a few years ago.

I indulged my shitty feelings last night. After having a pretty good hang out with Jen and Jess, I drove to south Philly. Drove right past Quaker City String band hall. Thought about how we were supposed to be in there decorating. Thought about how that's probably not ever going to happen. Thought about how a month ago I was living with my fiancee, gathering mailing addresses.

Afterwards, I drove past her apartment, hoping to catch a glimpse, however unlikely. I sent her a happy Thanksgiving email. She didn't respond.

I'm rambling now. 

I just want things to be normal. Either normal me, the one who didn't care about this kinda stuff or normal with her, laughing at things, making fun of folks, cooing over kittens and babies.

Either one would be fine, anything but this constant dither, This swinging, pulsing swirl of emotions. I'm getting better, just wish it were happening faster.

Thanks to everyone who's been there for me, strong for me.

I can normally handle emotions, but I don't have any handle on relationships. I just don't have enough experience with it. That was the whole problem from the start huh?

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